?

Log in

aemxo5
25 June 2008 @ 12:11 pm
i might make this a daily thing.
i'm starting to slip back into depression,
but i'm NOT going back to therapy. it's retarded, pointless, and stupid.
nobody can help me anyway.
it's pretty much myself.

after a long talk with somebody close to me last night,
i've realized that i'm so  empty.
there's nothing to my personality.
i don't even know what my personality is.
i hate upsetting people so much, that i change from person to person,
so that i can be like them and they'll like me.
sometimes, i'm happy, outgoing, nice, preppy.
other times i'm cynical, rude, sarcastic..
i want to be known as really nice, but i don't want people to walk all over me.
i want a definition i guess.
i need some kind of purpose, a reason.. 
and like, i know that my head is screwed up.. 
and getting into this relationship he's always said he was thankful that i'm not mentally screwed up..
but i am. and it's so hard for me to be  open and let people in, when i don't know what they'll find.
and i'm just so bored with life, and everything.
i find fun so easily, that i find so many different things fun
everything from spongebob and board games, to reading and learning, to drinking.
i'm considerate. i'm open minded. and i'm really not judgemental.
i understand everybody, and i won't let anybody go through embarassment..
but only because, i AM everybody.
for example, looks don't matter to me.. how everybody else looks that is.
but lately, all that i've cared about is how i look.
he said beautiful.. and i wanted to cry..
because i've seen beautiful, and it wasn't in the mirror.
i KNOW, i'm realistic, and i hate hearing other lies..
or other people's reality..

if you followed any of that.. we could totally be BFFs.
 
 
Current Location: room
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: the veronicas