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25 June 2008 @ 12:11 pm
lots on my mind  
i might make this a daily thing.
i'm starting to slip back into depression,
but i'm NOT going back to therapy. it's retarded, pointless, and stupid.
nobody can help me anyway.
it's pretty much myself.

after a long talk with somebody close to me last night,
i've realized that i'm so  empty.
there's nothing to my personality.
i don't even know what my personality is.
i hate upsetting people so much, that i change from person to person,
so that i can be like them and they'll like me.
sometimes, i'm happy, outgoing, nice, preppy.
other times i'm cynical, rude, sarcastic..
i want to be known as really nice, but i don't want people to walk all over me.
i want a definition i guess.
i need some kind of purpose, a reason.. 
and like, i know that my head is screwed up.. 
and getting into this relationship he's always said he was thankful that i'm not mentally screwed up..
but i am. and it's so hard for me to be  open and let people in, when i don't know what they'll find.
and i'm just so bored with life, and everything.
i find fun so easily, that i find so many different things fun
everything from spongebob and board games, to reading and learning, to drinking.
i'm considerate. i'm open minded. and i'm really not judgemental.
i understand everybody, and i won't let anybody go through embarassment..
but only because, i AM everybody.
for example, looks don't matter to me.. how everybody else looks that is.
but lately, all that i've cared about is how i look.
he said beautiful.. and i wanted to cry..
because i've seen beautiful, and it wasn't in the mirror.
i KNOW, i'm realistic, and i hate hearing other lies..
or other people's reality..

if you followed any of that.. we could totally be BFFs.
Current Location: room
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: the veronicas
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on June 27th, 2008 05:24 pm (UTC)
totally understand
i never knew how to write it out- but you just did. almost brought me to tears because i know exactly how you feel. i always act different around different people. i dont try to i just do. i dont know who i am or what i want to be and that really frustrates me.

"i find fun so easily, that i find so many different things fun
everything from spongebob and board games, to reading and learning, to drinking."
-that is me right there. i have such a broad spectrum of things i like which i do with so many different people. its annoying.

but you arent the only one who is feeling all these different feelings. i am right there with you. :)
aemxo5aemxo5 on June 27th, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
that is such a relief!!
the crazy part is, i wasn't even trying to write it out..
i just sat down, and started typing.
after i was done, i read over it and was like..
"this makes no sense, people are going to think i'm crazy"
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on June 27th, 2008 06:00 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
no...i understand. :D im just glad someone is going through the same thing. we can motivate eachother. and help eachother find out who we are- if thats possible. idk. but lord knows i need all the help possible. haha
aemxo5aemxo5 on June 27th, 2008 06:39 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
hahaha me too.
i understand :)

i'm like really proud of myself because i walked into the kitchen and was like ":(. i'm hungry"
but instead of eating, i went and walked around my neighborhood for a little over a mile :)

so i've burned about 91 more calories than i've eaten..
that way, in case i do slip, i have 91 cals to spare :)

just thought i'd let you know just in case you ever do that same thing, you can go take a walk :)
i went to this website to figure out many cals i burned, so that might help you too! :D
it's like.. www.caloriesperhour.com
very helpful :)
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on June 27th, 2008 11:56 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
thats a good idea. i know its hard when you stay at home and dont have anything to do. today i ate about 550 calories!! i am so grossed out. but i will burn some of it off tonight because i have to work a concert and we walk around a lot. and thanks for the website. it is very helpful. congrats for being able to control yourself! thats really hard to do. hope everything keeps going good with you. im here if you want to talk just message me. :)
aemxo5aemxo5 on June 28th, 2008 05:36 am (UTC)
Re: totally understand
that's good.
i was disgusted with myself because i had over 700 cals today..
but after going to that sight, i fonud out that just from being at work, i burned anywhere from 612-750 cals.
so i felt much much better.
it's so hard for me because i came so close to being considered overweight.. it's been a while since i've fasted.. and i'm just used to this lifestyle.
but i'm determined to go back to how i used to be.
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on June 28th, 2008 06:08 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
that is so cool that you burn all those calories just from going to work! and you can do it- dont worry. losing 2 pounds everyday is good. thats what is happening to me too. yesterday i was 119- haven't weighed myself today yet though. just keep on thinking that you can do it. think positive and think thin. :D
aemxo5aemxo5 on June 29th, 2008 02:16 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
yeah like i had no idea that i burned that much at work..
but i guess standing for six hours does that to ya :b.
thanks for the motivation..
i'm starting to get weak :(
but with your help, i'll make it.
especially since you're doing so well!!
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on June 30th, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
yeah. haha. and yourwelcome. we all need that. well yesterday i blew it. i ate so much. i wrote it all down and got nauseus from looking at it. i probably burned some of it off from dance, but not all of it. but this whole week is going to be under 400 calories, and it will be easy cause when im home no one will be there and my mom knows i dont eat when i get nervous at dance competitions cause she is the same way. so it should be easy to keep it under 400. this may help you too: keep a journal writing down all the things you eat during the day. put a + sign by the things that are healthy and a - sign by all the things that aren't. then try to substitute all the - with+ by trading that food for something better. it helps me out a lot. sorry for the long post. i have a lot on my mind today. stay strong!
aemxo5aemxo5 on July 3rd, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
no don't be sorry at all!
that'll def. help
that's why i was coming on here.. rather than writing it down
(don't want parentals seeing it)
but the + and - sign is a great idea!
thanks :)

good luck at your competition!
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on July 5th, 2008 05:29 am (UTC)
Re: totally understand
hey! yeah thats true. well i did not do good this week at all. but on tuesday i will be going to new york for 10 days for yet another dance nationals. and of course i will have to go to the restuarants, but i am going to limit my calories during the day. i hope everything is going good with you. stay strong!
aemxo5aemxo5 on July 7th, 2008 04:53 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
that sounds like so much fun!!
but yeah that's my plan too.
i'm leaving for vacation wednesday.. get back sunday.. then leave again for cheer camp monday.
and cheer camp won't be too tough to stay strong
bc i'll be with my skinny friends.
but vacation might.
everybody will notice.
but i'll do what you do and just try to keep the cals down :)
stay strong and have fun in NY!!
wannabe_miniwannabe_mini on July 7th, 2008 05:18 pm (UTC)
Re: totally understand
thanks! you too with your vacation. yeah you'll do good in cheer camp- im the same way with dance workshops. i see all these thin, fit people and it keeps me inspired. have a great time!! talk to you when we get back. :)